LAFF A DAY - Monday, May 21, 2007
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Greetings Laff Lovers,
Man, is it Monday already? Why couldn't my ancestors have been
American robber barons, or shipping tycoons, or other successful
criminals? No, instead I get regular run of the mill stiffs who
work their asses off until they die. If I wasn't so smart I'd
start playing the lottery. I want to wake up and play 18, make it
to the afternoon ball game, come home and tell my children how
great it is to be me and that they should imitate everything
I do, then sit back and read something pretentious while all
the time thinking how fucked up everyone else is and how it's
all their own fault.
Ohh for the sweet life.
Daydreamingly,
TZ
Send me your comments and jokes at this link:
http://www.laffaday.com/submit.htm
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UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and
social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
A. build a bridge
B. sail the ocean
C. lead an army or
D. WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
A. Jewish
B. Catholic
C. Hindu
D. Polish
E. Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
A. Westerners
B. Southerners
C. Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last
one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
A. Macy's
B. a 7-11
C. Canada
D. the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
A. yes
B. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
A. New York
B. Florida
C. Canada
D. Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples
do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The University of Miami tradition for efficiency began
when? (approximately)
A. B.C.
B. A.D.
D. still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to
qualify.
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My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father
stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he
asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes,
I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until much later
that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been
directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the
kitchen floor.
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I order my toilet paper by the case. When I'm running low I
simply put in an order with the girl who orders it for our
office. I do this for many reasons, chief among them being that
the bill often gets mixed up with the one for the company so I
don't have to pay it. This saves me a considerable amount of
money seeing as how I spend a lot of time on the throne.
So this morning the girl walks into my office and says, "TZ,
your toilet paper is here."
"Great," I say, "please come here and wipe my ass."
P.S. You can discuss this issue or any other topic in the
new Laffaday forum. Check it out here...
<a href=" http://archives.gophercentral.com/forum/forums/forum-view.asp?fid=40 ">
Laffaday Forum</a>
http://archives.gophercentral.com/newsletter_10.html
<a href="http://archives.gophercentral.com/newsletter_10.html">Laff A Day Archives</a>
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Email TZ at: mailto:tz@laffaday.com
<a href="mailto:tz@laffaday.com">Email the Editor</a>
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*** THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TZ ***
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Laffaday Book</a>
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END OF LAFF A DAY
Copyright 2007 by NextEra Media. All rights reserved.
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